Wednesday, December 7, 2011

We will miss him...

Well it has officially been one of the hardest weekends/week we have ever had. (warning this is long and sad) I am so very thankful for the last month and all the time I got to spend with Papaw.

I didn't get to see Papaw on Thursday (they had a really rough day) but when I got over there on Friday around 230p I could barely walk into the room without crying. It was just pitiful. I hardly even recognized him and he was suffering so much. Its funny because even though he was 87 years old he has always seemed so "young." Even now when we look back at pictures from 10-15 years ago he looks like he did a month ago before he got sick. I think this is why it was so hard to see him like this on Friday. He is a big guy-6'5 and has always been in such great shape. Seeing him so frail and skinny just broke my heart.

Once I got there I started giving his morphine and medications more often. It was so sad because he could no longer swallow so I was just pushing it into the side of his mouth. Since he couldn't swallow or cough anything up he was having such a hard time breathing, it was almost like he was choking. Once we started giving the medication more often he was really sleeping a lot and not talking much. He would open his eyes and look at us if we talked to him but he had a hard time talking back. Hospice sent a crisis care nurse for Friday night and she got there around 8pm and was planning to stay all night. When she got there she did a assessment and then met with our family. She told us that she thought he had about 2-3 days. Honestly I felt the same way but didn't want him to suffer that long. Mom, Ashley and I went home quickly and got something to eat. When we got back (about a hour and a half later) I was sitting downstairs and could hear his breathing had changed. I went upstairs to sit with him and something was just different. The nurse did another assessment and his pulse was 90 and she felt like it could still be hours or days. Literally just 15-20 minutes later his breathing changed again and I started getting nervous. She did another assessment and at that point she told my cousin Christy to go ahead and wake her mom up now-she felt like he didn't have much time. We were all in shock at this point. We thought we had days and never imagined we only had hours. So my Aunt got up and we all sat around his bed and held his hands and rubbed his legs. My mom and aunt told him it was ok to go that we would all be ok. We had called his younger brother (who is 85!!) and told him things were getting worse if he wanted to come. Once he got there our entire family was there (minus the grand kids husbands). Papaw must have been waiting for his brother because he came in and held his hand and talked to him and Papaw passed away minutes later. It was like something out of a movie.

I hope one day I get those memories out of my head because he suffered so much at the end. It was SO SO hard to watch. How special is it that he waited for his brother. Even though it was so sad to see him go and we all miss him so much we are glad his pain is over. I am so thankful that he didn't have to suffer all weekend. The funeral was Monday and it was so nice. Papaw would have been so proud. The sheriff's department came and sat on the front row and they were also his pallbearers. The led the funeral procession and it was very special to our family. When we got to the grave site three marines were there waiting for us and the performed the folding of the flag and gave it to my mom and aunt. I got some really special pictures but I had Josh's camera so I will have to see if I can scan them. One night while my Papaw was sick and mom was taking care of him she couldn't sleep; she wrote the best poem about him and I will share it soon. It was so special we put the poem on the funeral program. I am so thankful I had him as my Papaw for 29 years, he was a great man and we will always miss him!!

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